Things are at work...

Have you ever felt like you could sense there was progress going on, but it is not obvious or the results were not yet revealed?

Spring has brought light into my life, thank God. Surely the last few posts would be depressing to anyone. The winter did bring a lot of crap, and in fact, the worst things happened after the last post.

On both March 19 and April 4, my home flooded. The first time, raw sewage backed up through the drain and destroyed everything we had in the basement. Since I was saving for a bigger house, we had a lot of items down there: furniture including 4 beds, art, rugs, toys, electronics... you name it. It was an awful ordeal to say the least. Our public utilities and government entirely failed to assist me in any way, and friends still think I should contact the media about how I was treated. People were scaring me about disease and sickness, telling me "don't get near it, it's a biohazard" while others were saying "no big deal, just clean with bleach" and I didn't know who to believe. As a mother of 3, I don't need to get sick for sure. The moment I realzied it was not just rain water, but saw visible solid waste material all over my daughter's favorite floral pants that were awaiting laundering... I reacted such that I basically howled for 20 minutes.

I was grateful of course that it was just material things we lost, but the whole experience was an epiphany of sorts (if I am using that word right)... Throughout the 5 days of stress resolving the crisis:

I was alone. Entirely alone.
And I realized I have made choices that created this reality.
In fact, worse, I have isolated myself and was depending on a couple people who do not share my ideas about what friends do for each other (one being, help a friend in crisis, especially if you are a man and she is the mother of your child or children).

There were many little beacons that emphasized: things have got to change my dear. You are playing out your childhood pattern again: jump through hoops for some scraps. How could I let myself be here again. I am so naive and I trust the best in people. Maybe it's time I put myself in the company of people I - can - trust and rely upon.

The icing on the cake hammered it all home: I contacted someone I dated last summer. He had strong feelings quickly so of course I labeled him codependent and rejected him. Someting compelled me and during our reunion date, I was hit with feelings back for him. We had another date, and after that, he had no interest in seeing me - angrily reminding me that I "dumped him" last summer. The good news is that I really felt open and loving -- I hadn't felt open to love in that way in a long time I think.

Anyway... the awarenesses have continued to build, and lately it's been ACTION time.

I am moving, and today I may have found THE house. It is so pretty and in one of my favorite areas of town. There are no trade-offs with this house and it appears to be immaculate! Hardwood, big windows, beautiful eat-in kitchen with tile flooring, dining room, large bedrooms including 2 with walk-in closets, and the master bath is just beautiful and has a whirlpool tub (I used to love to take baths when I was in this old house with a big clawfoot tub), attached USEABLE garage. And the deck and backyard!!! I mean, gorgeous. It is also in a growing part of town, but it's an older established neighborhood where all the homes don't look alike. I wasn't planning on the distance, and the drive to schools will be a little bit longer, but there is no comparison to the overpriced little Cape Cod boxes near where I live.

I have been working out almost every day and have doubled my efforts. I have even started jogging. (In case I didn't blog about it, I quit smoking 11/28/07) Me, jogging? I never ever thought I would be doing that by choice! It feels amazing. I can't wait to get to the gym lately.

I have been investing more time in friendships, and I have been presenting myself for opportunities to meet someone to have a romantic life again.

Now if my income would get back on track. I am desperately hoping to NOT have to go back to work full-time so I can continue to be more present for my children, but I am just now putting out the seeds (slowly) and seeing what happens. I pray on this all the time - I am hoping to marry my passion and my experience in a way that provides for my family.

Well that's it for now. I hope everyone in the recovery blog community is doing well.

To thine own self be true

I forgot. Find your truth and have the dignity to live up to it. God is there. He speaks to us. While he may often speak through other people, we do not NEED those other people to get to God.

I have told people who are new that they will hear all kinds of things in AA. I say, consider it, but bring it into yourself and see what feels right for you. I absolutely do not agree that we don't each have the ability to find that one true voice. In fact, I think that is one of the very first things we can get back in recovery - that we can believe in ourselves again.

The Past is the Present. Again.

Every time I think about blogging... I think "where to begin" and then I think "but I don't want to deal with Micky's unwanted attention." On that note - MICKEY your comments are unwanted, not relevant to my subject matter, and WILL NEVER be published on this blog. I have enabled comment moderation because of you. I am still looking into a way to get your IP banned, but don't worry, it will happen.

On the "where to begin" is another matter. I may sound like a broken record, but apparently a plateau is just not in the works for me this epoch. Heh. Seriously. This winter ... ugh. It's just brought a lot. Last winter did too, but that was pretty much focused on one area whereas many things have happened this year.

People ask me how are things going, and I say, "depends on the topic." Everything seems to be in flux lately. My focus has been primarily on my youngest child, who is going through a litany of therapies for developmental delays.

The past is the present because I have also been dealing with a repeat issue... the details change but the underlying problem doesn't. It sure does look different. But it's not. And just two days ago, I made a big big change that I fear I will fail in following through. I have been deeply depressed and practically immobilized not wanting to face that the direction I am taking is the only option. But I have tried everything to find another option, and right now, it is just not a reality.

I still have a wall up with my sponsor, I can feel it. I am not telling her everything all the time. I guess I am afraid she will fire me. Ugh. I feel like I'm about five years old lately. The effects of the past few years have been catching up to me and just wiping out a lot of things. I struggle to take the actions that will rebuild my self-esteem... I pray a lot. And yet I just want to be left alone and shore up and protect myself for awhile.

Sssh... are you thinking "isolating"? yeah. I know my pattern though, it won't be for very long. It's wintry too right now and I like home when it's cold.

But I sure do appreciate you bloggers. Now if that "mickey" would go away so blogging could feel safe again.

Peace. (header will return soon)

Emotional Sobriety, part 1 of ?

The next frontier: Emotional Sobriety by Bill Wilson, from Language of the Heart.

Are you kidding me? Where have I been? My first meeting with my new sponsor Patti V. (or is it V.C.?), she showed me this passage in the AA-approved literature, "Language of the Heart." Boy did it hit. Yes, how does Bill always put things so perfectly. Like a lot of alcoholics I know, he has an amazing ability to express... well... the language of the heart.

I have known for some time that my previous foundation had been on the wrong things. My self-esteem was dependent on the way my life 'looked' and felt. Then things came crashing down, and it was dependency on a man, and then dependency on my own brain.

I hit the wall I think many alcoholics hit... It happened for me when I got the true meaning of Step 6: "to have God remove", not to have ME remove, my defects of character.

Great.

And of course "Became entirely ready" means those defects (or dependencies) are just not working for me anymore.

So now what? "Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps..." Yeah. I need that conscious contact - a relationship with, and a dependency on, God.

And I get that by working the Steps.

Yes, I've heard things in many forms before, and this is a place I have been before. But sometimes deeper meanings or clearer messages simply touch me differently at different times.

I was thinking of all this stuff the night before that first meeting with my new sponsor. That she should show me that passage gave me that little feeling - hey, maybe you are the one I have been looking for the past (nearly) 2 years.

I am sure, very very sure, this will be the first of many writings that have to do with Bill's little "letter".

New year brings some improvements...

2008 brings improvements and awareness and ideas. I am a non-smoker. I have a new sponsor and I knew she was the right one when she suggested the Big Book Awakening workbook and the Joe Hawk tapes. yeah! We met and well.. she got me. Talk about amazing. The night before I'm thinking of 'where I am' and she shows me the passages in ... I can't think of the title but it's Bill's writing about Emotional Sobriety in 1948. I will come back and quote what struck me when I have time.

I am a non-smoker. I have been on Chantix since 10/14/07 and I had my last full cigarette on 11/28/07. I have gained 15 pounds and bought 3 new pairs of jeans to hang in there with the weight. Hitting the gym a lot. The Chantix is just amazing. It literally removes the nicotine withdrawal symptoms. They are not there. None of them. The behavioral triggers are nothing without the nicotine craving - so what, I eat a mint or chew some gum. It feels amazing to be a non-smoker: to have energy, to smell good, to breathe well, and to be able to go 2 days without washing my hair because it doesn't stink anymore!!

I finally sought help for my ADD and turns out - Yes, I have Adult ADD or ADHD low attentive type. Of course I suspected it and managed it for a long time. Then I hit a wall after kid 3 and going back to work. I know I usually write about AA here and it is an outside issue - but for my recovery, it is not.

I feel a little defensive about it in the AA world because I am one of those who is skeptical of people who jump into the pill bottle before trying the steps. For a long time, I either didn't realize how much it was affecting me, or I maybe had an attitude about medication, or I didn't realize how medication could help my ADD... and I just didn't want to be 'dependent' on anything.

But hey - look what Chantix has done: exactly what it was supposed to, with minimal side effects (a little insomnia). Oh my gosh, the total and utter fear surrounding having to face nicotine withdrawal had me not even consider it. And whoosh! now I can focus on the rest and get stronger and get off that drug in 3 more months.

I don't know anyone who has my lifestyle: three children: one is an ADHD 11 year old and another is a toddler with special needs in Speech and Occupational Therapies among other things. He is the type of child you hear about: while you're cleaning up a mess in one room, he is making one in another. Full time work (not presently) usually, two dads, a nanny, 3 schools (homework, extracurricular, uniforms, supplies), meetings, family, friends, a house. All varieties of alcoholics around me, car accident resolution (rear-ended on NYE) and health insurance changes.

I constantly forget what I forgot to do, problems mount as a result, and then things are "astonishingly difficult to solve" as it says in the book. Then I feel overwhelmed. I can't think straight and I have to ask my child (the ADHD one who says "Mom" about 100 times a day) "Honey give momma some space, I can't think right now" so I can focus on the steps involved with making dinner. I felt anxious and tense and frustrated all the time.

So that is what took me right to our family psychologist who saw me as a kid and has been seeing my son for six years. The only medical pro that has really helped us and educated me. But he normally doesn't see adults - his associate was on leave so he agreed to see me. Thank God for him. He recommended me for treatment of the ADD first and let's see if the anxiety and depression clear up as a result.

So far I see some great effects - I am not tense with my children during the chaos in our house before dinner time (play time and kids can be running around to entertain our toddler playing chase etc). I can give them focused attention, and I can attend to them while performing household tasks too. I can really feel it - I have not lost my patience once, with anyone. That part alone is amazing.

Today though, and yesterday, I had several whiteouts where I lost time, could not focus and could not be productive. And the realizations are just flooding in - so many things I never could do like other people. I had to look for something in my "PAPERWORK" pile, and I just got it all out - files and papers, bills, receipts, mementos... very long list of things - and I swear... the last time I got it out, I just made more piles and no progress. It's like I could not force myself to make any sense of it. What's amazing is we are learning so much lately about sensory dysfunction and the role of Occupational Therapy and all that, and I think "no wonder" ... my brain doesn't know what to do with this input.

And for years I have been beating the sh*t out of myself over it because that is what I have been told - "why can't you do that like everyone else? Can;t you make reminders in Outlook? Can't you set up some file folders? Can't you make a stack of bills that are due this month?" Yea. And "Can't you just have a couple drinks?"

I can't believe I didn't seek treatment for this sooner. Really.

Oh yeah, I celebrated 20 years. I will get my token on the last Sunday at my home group. Yay!

More another time.

Warring factions

I haven't posted in a long while I know. I am not sure why. Maybe there is a wish to be positive in this blog, and post when I reach certain realizations or milestones. Maybe I am just so busy usually. Maybe I don't want to bore anyone with certain struggles that never seem to go away.

Warring factions refers to that. I have the same problem I had last year at this time (in fact was just realizing how much I had been lying to myself), only this year I have about 3 voices in the issue. Maybe even 4. They all keep getting louder and stronger. So I waffle between frustration and anger, acceptance, prayer, avoidance... etc.

Imagine if your favorite drink followed you around daily saying "hey, I taste really good". That is the only thing I can compare it to. I can't get away (though I have seriously fantasized about it). There has been nothing so far in my life that has pushed me - constantly - to pray and pray and pray and ask God to help.

While things seem to evolve, it doesn't really change. I get interesting bandaid type advice. But I will never forget my last sponsor "God will find ways to draw us closer to Him." yeah, He found it alright.

I am uncomfortable pretty much all the time, and I hate my emotions. I wonder how long I can stand it. I pray for God to remove the obsession or the feelings.

And please, if you decide to comment... I am not unique, but I have met not one other person who has lived in my situation and I am not sharing the details.

That's an isolating thing about it - and it ups the ante for a new sponsor in my little town - I know the answer is God. I've tried everything else. I feel humbled and completely ignorant about what to do to even get God's help. I have one-through-sevened this over and over. And it doesn't budge so I figure God has a purpose and I just need to continue to NOT think about myself and do what I can to follow God's will each day.

And... hang in there til I get a new job - my mind has way too much time right now.

Nice Resource about Prayer

Prayer and Spiritual Healing

I've read some of the pages - really nice work, check it out.